The First (Of Many) Conversations
by repressedemotions
Summary: 6th year. Jily. One shot. At 1:00 a.m., Lily finds James alone outside the castle. What follows is their first conversation, full of tears and confessions, as well as laughter and love.


Lily saw him sitting alone, hidden amongst the castle's shadows. She briefly wondered why her eyes were drawn to that particular patch of darkness, for if they weren't, she wouldn't have seen the bright white of his eyes muted behind his glasses. However, this thought barely registered as her mind was soon overwhelmed by the fact that James Potter – James Potter who talks incessantly throughout every single lesson, James Potter who ensures that his laugh is just loud enough to attract the entire room's attention, James Potter who purposely messes up his stupid hair to hear the stupid sighs of stupid girls – had deliberately sought out solitude. She was left in such a completely dazed state that a Confundus Charm would have been proud to have caused it. She somehow found herself making her way to his outline.

James was staring at the blade of grass he held between his fingers. Considering its size and shape, it was relatively difficult to destroy. When torn from tip to base, it appeared to be as soft as clouds, but when James attempted to rip horizontally, the grass simply refused. He admired the blade's strength and grew somewhat attached to it, so when he finally overpowered it, he immediately felt guilty. He watched the flight of jagged-edged quarters of grass as he released them to the wind's mercy, then, from the corner of his eye, saw a pair of shoes.

Lily was surprised at how lost in his own mind James was. Though the grass softened her steps, she wasn't even somewhat discreet as she neared him, but he didn't notice her until she was close enough to see beads of water in his lashes. She refused to believe they were tears, so she told herself that it must have rained earlier and then ignored the fact that the grass wasn't the slightest bit damp. When his eyes finally found her own, she let out an involuntarily, quiet gasp at the vulnerability she found.

James didn't expect to see anyone here, let alone Lily Evans, for this was his hidden corner than he had told no one about. He often came here when he couldn't sleep because he was able to think without friendly chatter or, more likely, Peter's snoring from disturbing him. Though it was only the third day of the new school year, he already had too much to think about.

"Hi," Lily tentatively said.

"Hi," James replied, not entirely sure how to proceed. Lily had never been the one to initiate conversation with James, though whatever it is that they'd had so far couldn't truly be classed as 'conversation'. He was spared from having to find a suitable comment (he was thinking that weather was a viable option) as Lily started speaking, though he missed the first couple of words because of his noisy, frantic thoughts grasping for a better topic than weather.

"-you doing here?"

"Oh, I was just thinking about… Well, um… Nothing."

The strain she could hear in the awkward words of a boy she bared knew and far from liked acted like a slap to Lily's daze. "Right. Sorry. I shouldn't have disturbed you. I'll go," and before the last word was out, she'd already turned around and was practically running away.

"Evans!" James called out, but she was already too far away to hear him, or she was ignoring him. James chose to believe the former and so raced after. He caught up quickly and stopped her by placing his hand on her shoulder.

Lily felt the burn where his fingers grazed her collarbone and felt her sharp intake of air. If she had given herself time to think about this, she would have been mortified by her response, but instead, she stopped and turned to face him. She found that for an incomprehensible reason, she couldn't lift her gaze to his eyes and so spoke to his feet instead. "I'm sorry. You obviously wanted to be alone."

It pained James that Lily was so uncomfortable around him that she couldn't even look at him. He knew that she wouldn't want him to, and in any other situation, he wouldn't have done it, but he'd had a shit day and she was closer to him than she'd ever been. He gave in to temptation and he raised his hand, placed his finger just below her chin and tilted her face up.

His close proximity left Lily feeling as though she was gasping for breath, but when she felt his skin against hers, she stopped breathing completely.

James was greeted with eyes so green that they pierced through the black and white of the night, centred with dilated pupils and surrounded by smudged eyeliner arching down as though she had wiped away long gone tears. It hurt James to think that Lily, too, was sad. He saw his hand unconsciously make their way to the tiny streaks when she suddenly stepped back from him.

Lily regarded him with large eyes and a slightly open mouth. "What are you doing?" she whispered.

"I- I don't know. I'm so sorry, I just… um… I got caught up in something – nothing. Fuck."

At the sight of a flustered James and because of the absurdity of the situation in general, Lily erupted into a laughter so strong that it bordered on hysterical, and soon heard James's own laugh join hers.

After perhaps five minutes of an unadulterated laughter that he really needed, James began to calm down. He saw Lily breathe out the ending of her laughter as she wiped away the tears just below her eyes, and when doing so, she made an even bigger mess of the remains of her eyeliner. She looked beautiful. He crashed down onto the grass below him and invited Lily to sit with his outstretched hand.

After a moment of deliberation, Lily sat beside him. They sat together in a comfortable silence, and without thinking about it, she rested her head on his shoulder.

James was shocked. He had seen Lily this way – full of life and laughter and love – when he watched her with her friends, but whenever he was near, she would build ten feet tall walls made of the thickest of magic around herself. The Lily who hated the sight of him would never voluntarily touch him, let alone lean into him this way. He was shocked, but he was also very, very happy. He didn't disrupt the silence for a while, until a question that peaked his interest too much for it to be ignored entered his mind. "Evans?" he said.

"Yeah?"

"It's probably one in the morning. Why were you out of the castle?"

"Oh." And remembering was like being doused in ice cold water. Lily jerked away from James. She looked at him and thought that she saw hurt in his furrowed brows and bitten lip, but an impassive face replaced it and she told herself that she had imagined the former expressions. She scooted over to a new position, one that was facing him so that they could talk easily without her forgetting who it was she was actually talking to and far enough away that there would be no more physical contact between the two of them. She wouldn't allow herself to get lost like that again.

"I'm sorry. It's none of my business."

"No. It's not that. I, uh, went to meet Sev."

"Right," James responded after a few moments.

The cold, clipped word brought Lily's eyes, which had begun to wander towards the silhouette of the astronomy tower, back to James's face. She was met with such an unnaturally neutral expression that she begun to question its legitimacy, but that brought on a whole other series of questions on why spoilt, little Potter needed this face and what situations had led it to become so well developed. Strangely, with each question, her heart grew increasingly heavy. "Right?" she repeated.

"You sure you don't want to get back to Snivellus? He's probably pressed against a window, staring out of it, waiting for you, though the poor window would be so greasy by now that I doubt he could actually see-"

"Stop," Lily whispered. The mask of a face and the chill in his voice and the spiteful words themselves shattered the emerging bright and colourful feeling that James Potter wasn't actually the 'James Potter' that he showed the world. She stood up, ashamed to have allowed herself to believe, even it was just for a second, then walked away, treading on the fragments of a ridiculous hope.

James saw the expression on Lily's face, not completely understanding why she looked so stunned, but regretting his words because of the hurt and perhaps fear that she also wore. He wouldn't allow himself to be the reason for her glassy eyes. When she walked away, for the second time that night, he went after her. He caught up to her and he felt the puncture then felt himself deflate at the sight of the tears running down her face. He stopped her with his hand, then unsure how to help her, he did what felt he most natural. He pulled her into his arms and held her as tight as he could.

Lily found her face buried in his shirt, and after an initial struggle with herself to struggle with him, she allowed herself to feel loved in his embrace. His warmth and strength and steady heartbeat and subtle smell of grass soon lulled her into a peace she had believed to have lost when she lost Tuney. She felt like she was home, but the one of her childhood that had been preserved in the best of lights in her memories. Lily raised her arms from her sides and wrapped them around James's waist, never wanting to let go.

James was unsure of how long he stood with Lily held against him. Time became irrelevant. All that mattered was her. However, after what he believed to be far too soon, the tiniest sliver of guilt crawled into his heart. He felt as though he was almost violating her by feeling more than what he ought to feel; the hug was meant to be comforting, and that was all that Lily would take from it, but he also felt a love so special that he never wanted to let go. And thus, he let her go by taking a step back.

Lily looked at him and yet again saw what she could now easily recognise as his mask. All she felt was love and she didn't understand what it was that he felt which he needed to hide. She became so uncertain when she was around him.

"I'm sorry," James said.

"Why? I'm the one who should be apologising. I got eyeliner all over your shirt," Lily replied, pointing as his chest.

James smiled at this. He knew she was telling the truth without having to look down because there was only the faintest of black smudged around her eyes now. She looked younger without it – more vulnerable. "I'm sorry I said those things about Sniv- I mean, about Snape."

"Really?" she asked.

"Well, no," James said, then laughed because her eyes lit up and she choked out an unexpected laugh. "I'm sorry that what I said made you upset," he clarified.

"No, it's okay. I'm just feeling a bit emotional today."

James took her hand and pulled her back onto the ground. "What happened?"

Lily looked at him, not a sneaking glimpses type of look, but an unabashed staring into him. She felt the mask slowly slip away, and in his upturned brows, slightly red rimmed eyes and the bitten lips she'd noticed earlier, she saw a boy who cared. "Sev and I… we haven't really been getting along."

"What happened?" James asked.

Lily was surprised at the lack of rude comment. She didn't believe that one was going to come because of the genuine concern that she could almost see him emitting. He made it so easy to finally talk. "I guess it started ages ago, but I only admitted it to myself the day of our Defence Against the Dark Arts O.W.L., then I couldn't spend five minutes with him today before I walked out." Lily felt tears trail down her face, but she didn't bother wiping them away. She continued, "He's always around horrible people now, and I think it's making him horrible too."

"Aren't bad friends better than no friends?" James asked while suppressing a thousand other remarks.

"He had me. He's my best friend. He's been my best friend since before Hogwarts. Then we spend our first summer in five years not meeting at the park after dinner and having ice cream and talking until our throats were raw and our lungs were empty." Lily felt her voice becoming trapped by the tears, but she managed to choke out a "I miss him" before succumbing to silence.

James watched her hide her face in her hands as her shoulders shook with sobs. He thought that all this crying would break her tiny little body, but he realised she's probably already spent a summer's worth of nights crying alone and that she was stronger than the tears. He didn't, however, want her to suffer alone. He moved closer towards her and put his arm around her, hoping that he was somehow taking away at least a little of her pain.

"You know, he probably misses you more. If you care this much, fight for it," James said after she felt calmer in his arms, hating, and also feeling proud of, each word he said.

At this, Lily peeked a glance at James through her fingers, looking for evidence of the internal struggle that he must have been fighting. Without him knowing that she was watching and so, without him hiding it, she saw sadness. "Maybe," she said. She then wiped her face, sat up straight and asked "So why were you out at this time?" When he simply stared at her, she reminded him, "I indulged," pointing at her red eyes as evidence, "so it's only fair that you do, too".

James couldn't refuse her. "A friend ran away from home this summer."

Lily saw the pain and she immediately regretted pushing instead of accepting his clear reluctance. She was just about to tell him that he didn't need to say another word when he started talking. He soon seemed unable to stop. Lily thought that he forgot she was even there.

"He came and lived with us. Obviously. He's my best friend. But he was different. He smiled less frequently, he laughed less easily. There was something darker about him, but on the inside where it's hard to find and even harder to fight. And I tried to help him. I'm not sure I did, though. I thought that at least time could help; I thought that as time passed, he would heal, and he did to an extent. Weeks passed and he became normal – well, when he was around me. But when he thought that I wasn't watching, I'd see the darkness behind his unsmiling face. It was worse than before because he didn't trust me enough to show how much he was hurting. And I couldn't help him. He wouldn't let me in. His family were awful to him, but I think that he wanted them back, and with wanting them, he didn't want me. Then, during the last few days of summer, it was like he finally allowed himself to feel good. He was so full of the life I'd forgotten he had. I was so happy watching him. I thought that he had finally recovered. And then he saw his brother today. They'd managed to not cross paths for two days, but I guess it was inevitable. All he had ever wanted to do was to protect his brother. He loved him so much, though he would never admit it. And his brother just walked away from him without saying a word. I saw his pain – I felt his pain – then I watched it disappear from his face a second later. We parted ways for our different lessons, then I had Quidditch practice, and when I finally went back to the common room, he saw me then excused himself for bed. I thought that maybe he was actually tired, but when I went up to our dorm, I heard his fake snores and I understood. He doesn't trust me. He doesn't want me… I just want make him happy again."

Lily watched him for a while. She wondered if he realised that he hid his emotions in the exact way he described. Lily, however, was learning to see. "Sirius will be okay," she finally said.

"I didn't say it was Sirius."

"You kind of did."

"You can't tell anyone."

"I won't," Lily quickly reassured. She understood how important being a good friend was to James. She wanted to help him. "When you're abused, especially if it's by your family because their abuse is all you've ever known, you start to believe that you deserve it. You don't understand love, because what you thought was love for the majority of your childhood was the farthest thing from it. And though you may hate them – perhaps even hate them enough to run away – you still love them, at least you think you do. I suppose it's more of an indebted and belonging feeling, rather than love. Anyway, abuse messes you up."

James felt his heart sink. "Speaking from personal experience?" he asked.

Lily smiled a sad smile. "No, a friend's."

Though James was relieved, he felt no better when imagining another person in this type of situation. He pictured first year Snape, and if anything, he felt worse.

Lily continued, "Humans are strong, and Sirius is one of the stronger ones. You were right when you said time will heal, but after sixteen years, he needs more than a summer. And though you don't understand, by you taking him in, by you standing beside every day, by you being his friend, you are helping him so much. To recover, you need time, but you also need the right environment. And a friend like you is the best possible environment."

James wanted to believe her, but he found it hard. "Why won't he talk to me, then?"

"I guess, recovery is an internal thing. You do need certain external factors, but at its most basic level, all that is necessary is the mind. He has to process things himself before he can tell others, but he needs to do more than process before he is willing to tell others. If you hadn't been sitting there, thinking by yourself, do you think you would have been able to form a cohesive description of this situation?"

James pondered this, then said, "I guess not."

"And if it hadn't been bothering you for such a long time, do you think that you would have told me?"

"No." This answer came more quickly.

"Here's my advice. Tell him that you will always listen to him, then repeat it the next day and the day after that so he believes you. Give him time, then when he's ready, I promise he will come to you."

"But I feel so useless. Maybe you're right – maybe he needs time and one day he'll confide in me – but how do I help him now? I can't just watch him suffer while he pretends that he's not."

Lily saw James blink away tears and she ached to reach out to him. However, she felt that she couldn't help him that way, so her hands remained firmly on her lap. "Right now, I think that what he needs from you is what he's always ever needed from you – a stupid laugh and whatever other mischief you get into. Carry on being the friend you've been since first year, and you will be doing so much more than you realise. He doesn't just want you; he needs you."

"Is that enough?"

"Yes."

James felt light as he was released of so much that had been weighing him down. He smiled as he realised he needed time to process everything that Lily had said, but for the first time since he saw bruised, bloody and teary-eyed Sirius with a tiny suitcase next to him on James's doorstep, he felt optimistic. Sirius would be okay. He and Sirius as friends would be okay. Although those thoughts overshadowed almost everything else, the tiny idea of him and Lily possibly being okay as well shone through. "Thank you. You're sort of incredible," he admitted.

Lily laughed. Though he looked happier, she wanted him to look more so, hence she abruptly said, "Professor Slughorn looks like a walrus, right?"

"Holy shit, yes!" he laughed. This led on to a discussion about other animal resemblances, which transformed into a discussion about animals in general, then old pets, then favourite books (James had named his childhood rabbit Babbity, which is why those topics led into each other), and around two hours had passed without either of them realising.

It was only when Lily noticed the sky lighten with the sun's approach that she said, "In a twisted turn of events, I think that I would actually enjoy spending the rest of this night talking to you. Saying that, however, I have Potions first thing in the morning and I get really clumsy when I'm sleep deprived, so I think that I should head off to bed now."

Though every cells was screaming for her to stay, James said, "Of course. It's late."

Lily felt herself blush as she offered, "Maybe we could continue this another time."

"I would love to," James replied with a smile wider than he previously believed achievable.

"Okay." Lily smiled at his smile. "Are you going to come?"

"I think I'll stay for a bit longer before heading in."

"Okay, well goodnight," and with that, Lily stood up and made her way towards the bed waiting for her.

"Hey, Evans?" James called out a few seconds later.

"Yeah?" Lily said, stopping and turning to face him.

"I'm really sorry about what happened after that O.W.L.; I'm sorry I did that to Snape and I'm sorry you lost him."

"You're awfully apologetic tonight."

"I know, it's weird."

"This may be hard for you to understand, Potter, but not everything is because of you." Lily heard his laugh, then turned back around. 'Maybe he isn't a complete toerag,' she thought as she walked away.


End file.
